Vulnerability as a form of echolocation
I have always believed in karma and I live my life in open vulnerability now for a reason. I don’t believe in the trend of manifestation though because at its core I have sensed an entitlement or like an attempt at gaining what has not been earned. It feels like the colonialist version of surrendering to the universe. Like that whole “manifest destiny” notion of “settling” the west, as if it wasn’t already settled and populated… just white entitlement. I didn’t feel that today when I shared a photo of myself crying and stated how hard things had been and that I could use a win. Instead of entitlement, I felt a knowledge that I am not in control at all, feel powerless, and could only wait for time to bring something new, like I had reached a bottom and knew I couldn’t rise alone. And in that moment of vulnerability, I decided to share instead of hiding or burying it. Since I started making art about myself and my difficulties breast feeding, I have incorporated vulnerability as one of my mediums and I use it like echolocation, like a beacon, like a lighthouse, so others know it’s ok to be just as they are.
The last two weeks have been hard in new ways amidst a very hard 5 months. My father has been suffering deeply due to complications and infection from an elective spinal procedure in late August. If you’er reading this and someone in your life is considering having elective surgery on their spine, please tell them to email me first so I can make clear the actual risks. We as a culture have grown too quick to believe that all our problems can be solved and that belief has reached its zenith in terms of people profiting off it.
Today I found myself incapable of putting one foot in front of the other after I took a call from my dad’s doctor at his acute rehabilitation center. At 8am I received a text asking if we could speak, and when we did, after I had dropped the kids at school an hour later, I got bad news. It was unexpected though not emergent, a step backwards, a feeding tube after he’d been clear of them for weeks. It stopped me in my tracks, though to be honest it isn’t hard these days as gaining any momentum feels impossible; all I have is stops and starts and stutters. I was able to get myself to the studio because I had a massage appointment around the corner at 1:30 and these appointments have become protected territory for me. I knew if I didn’t get close to it, I may lose the capacity to get there as my ability to face what was coming dwindled. When I got to the studio, I just stood there for at least 20 minutes. And then I just cried. I did not push myself toward productivity but accepted I felt paralyzed in so many ways because of my father’s parallel state. There was no way to fix it, no way to move forward, no autonomy. I couldn’t make.
I took photos of myself crying and shared one in my IG stories saying that it’s been a really hard 5 months and that I could really use a win as everything has felt so draining. I documented myself crying because I have been trying for the last 6 years to document my moods, my real existence, not a narrative of feeling cute, but one of feeling disabled and no longer being afraid to admit it. For the first 38 years of my life most of the photos of me concern beauty and meeting beauty standards and the male gaze, not me or my authentic experience.
The photo I shared was authentic and also self aware. I no longer care if I’m beautiful but I care if I’m truthful now that I’ve unmasked. When I asked for the win, I didn’t feel like it was mine to go out and take, I don’t really feel like anything is lately. I feel so disabled, so incapable of even prioritizing my thoughts and making most non-massage appointments, let alone filling out proposals and applications. My momentum has been tied to my father’s for months. Today was the first time I’d cried about it all in a long time. And then I posted what felt like a statement of surrender of sorts.
When I got home I took a call about a potential commission in a very public place that would be great for me. The more I use it, the more it feels like my vulnerability beacon works the same as karma.
On my massage treatment specifically…
Today I couldn’t meet my own standards of productivity and if anyone else had expectations of me, I most likely wouldn’t have met them. But my massage therapist did not have any of me and I am able to be unmasked and vulnerable with him so I have been keeping my appointments. Today he released quite a lot that I had brought to the surface just before our appointment. My body feels completely different, like a 90’s McMansion stripped of unnecessary window dormers and angles. I have lifelong chronic pain due to some structural issues and some functional ones. Jas is the first practitioner to ever really listen to me and he has already transformed my awareness of my alignment and what my issues are, as well as my expectations of what a massage appointment should look like-for the better. I highly recommend Myodetox, I go in Chinatown. I started off with Gil for PT and have a good combination that is really helping me tackle lifelong pain for the first time. They are not giving me anything to say this. But I have been to many doctors over the years complaining of things and I have been ignored and dismissed and gaslit and these two are not like that and have made an actual impact to the amount of pain I live with. I am privileged to have benefits through my partner’s job and so thankful I can receive this care right now.