Unapologetic existence and pursuit of excellence
I have no intellectual/academic outlets right now other than reading and responding. I am not a professor, I don’t have huge network of others who think like me or want to find answers the same way I do. I have long felt isolated in my intellectual pursuits. This blog is an attempt to externalize what has, up until now, been a relatively private thought process. There are so many parts of me that probably would’ve been more content within the walls of academia, where my intellect would supposedly be appreciated but when I was in graduate school I was constantly told to dim my own light so others could shine. I was constantly told to say less, claim less space, question my professors in a different tone, etc. I was not really welcomed. When my MFA cohort pushed the administration to drop the art history and art criticism requirements for the degree, I was among a small minority who argued that would make our degrees just masters of self indulgence. I wanted to know the context for my work and how I stacked up. I wanted criticism and critique because it was the ideas I wanted to talk about, not just aesthetics and market.
When I was in elementary and middle school I was told I was a stuck up know-it-all constantly. I now understand this was a reaction to my inability to change my tone to cater to what neurotypical kids wanted and I was unwilling to let others believe they were superior to me if they weren’t. I questioned all the social hierarchies. I would not let someone say something that was inaccurate without correcting. I would share constantly, not recognizing that others perceived my sharing as bragging. I didn’t know the exchange of ideas was supposed to include ego patting. I didn’t pat anyone else’s ego ever, nor did I require that, so I was ostracized for it. Truthfulness without softening the blow has always been my way. It isn’t well received and I had to change myself to be accepted for years. Now that I know I’m autistic, I’ve stopped trying to soften myself and my intellect entirely. I’ve fully come to accept that my thinking is unique and mine and won’t appeal to all. I’m ok being smarter than others now. But I am still seeking my peers, my real intellectual cohort, the ones who want to dig in to ‘Old Mistresses; Woman, Art, and Ideology’ like I am. It’s strange to reach 44 and feel like I’ve diminished my own intellect for others comfort my whole life and am now at a point where what I think can no longer be contained.
I told my husband this morning that I felt myself becoming more radical by the day and that I didn’t want to leave him behind. I asked him to read my blog as has not yet read any of my posts. I told him I wanted him to be able to keep up with all my thinking. He apologized and said he hadn’t read because he assumed most of what I wrote was probably workshopped in our daily life and wouldn’t come as a surprise to him. I corrected him and told him that I present a lot of different intellectual ideas here that I want to be able to banter around. I am reaching a state of feeling like I need to be heard in a way I have not needed in the past. There is an urgency to my thinking that was not there in the past. The patterns are connecting at higher speeds across more disciplines. I believe my next 20 years will be drastically different from my last and I am ready to claim my excellence without shame or guilt or apology. I’m thinking about Serena Williams as I type that, crip walking at the Superbowl and being allowed to be unapologetically Black in a way she hadn’t been allowed to be in tennis. I want people to stop being limited and to be who we are unapologetically and without fear of inadequate others projecting their own insecurities on us like chains meant to hold us back. No more holding back in 2025.
Thank you to those of you who have chosen to come here and read my thoughts and comment or send me messages. I appreciate you more than you could possibly understand. Images show work that was exploration based in my studio that led me to the exhibition I’m working on for next year.